Dear Pedestrian.
I come to you as a long-time reader, and first-time reacher-outer-er.
Naturally, in my lunchtime ctrl+R-ing of the PTV homepage in search of something to take the edge off my reheated bowl of nothing, I have just seen your article looking for freelancers.
Now, considering that I'm more of a musician-slash-creator-slash-reader-slash-writer than just a writer, it's somewhat giving grand gesture that I would create you your own submission page on my wedding bookings website, but alas.
You're here now, so you may as well hear me out. Welcome.
I know what you're thinking.
"How has this idiot bamboozled me into reading about her credentials when she doesn't have any?"
Colour me honoured. You're still here! You're a gem.
But before you exit out of this and move onto the next budding Jack Kerouac, I've given you five reasons why I'd be thoroughly un-shit at this:
I write for a living
I'm a lyricist, first and foremost. I have some twenty eight years' experience at finding the perfect word, phrase or expression - and the added skill of making it rhyme nicely (don't believe me? Stream COTTA wherever you find your music.) Considering you haven't asked for someone to pen limericks on the reg, I feel like that's an unnecessary aside, but you get it. I write, and I write well. I'm clever, I'm overqualified and I'm an Aries. Opinions on opinions (on opinions) but the ability to formulate them into fun, well-written bits of content.
I'm in touch with the common man
If you're a Hamish & Andy podcast subscriber, then ahoy! If not, no troubles y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶o̶s̶e̶r̶: what do I mean here? I'm constantly up to date with my pop culture news and gossip. Admittedly, yes, a lot of that is via PTV, but I'm also almost three decades into the habit of subscribing to pop culture podcasts and newsletters, to ensure that I know bloody everything about who's where, who's with who, and who's doing what. (I'm also an ABC News tragic, so, you know, national and state news is all up in the ol' hat rack, too.) I feel like my writing and communication style is reflective of how PTV readers digest information and appreciate updates being presented, so I'd slot right in.
I'm quick
If I may, you published your freelancers call-out article about thirty minutes ago, and here you are, reading a full-fledged submission from yours truly. I have a typing speed of 97wpm, with 96% accuracy. My linguistic ability and grammatical legend status mean that I'll be pumping out content efficiently and effectively. That's the Bachelor of Laws in me. Attention to detail (and an overwhelming resentment for legal practice and my burgeoning HECS debt. Adorable.)
I've been on reality television, and reaped the (select few) benefits
WHAT!? You weren't aware!? As in, you're not one of the 12-15 suburban families who still tune into The Voice? Shocking. Honestly, all that my brief-but-lovely stint on Channel 7 offers to this submission (aside from "aw, she thought she'd be famous... cute...") is that I have fortunately come out of the experience with a decent-ish following on social media and as an artist, a foot in the door to the music industry, and the innate ability to understand exactly what the media is looking for when it comes to article content.
I live in regional Queensland
Much like my last point, this is also not me fishing for pity. I live in Hervey Bay, two hours north of the Sunshine Coast. There's absolutely bloody nothing going on here, 90% of the time.
Meaning: I'm free for PTV. (What a campaign slogan.)
Hey Siri, play 'Closing Time' by Stereosonic
Congratulations, my friend/s. You made it to the end of this submission. I hope you can see that while I'm a bit of a dickhead, it's kind of endearing, and moreover, having me onboard wouldn't be half bad at all.
Not. Half. Bad. At. All.